Miscarriage

Sometimes it does help to just talk about it, because, as a mother, you never forget the baby you didn't get to bring home.

Hope Springs Eternal

Have you ever watched a sunrise? It always catches me by surprise when that first peak of new light pops over the horizon.

After several months of dark days, emotional upheaval, and physical challenges it seems the light is finally dawning. I still have two more weeks of recovery left, but I think my heart is beginning to heal. Its hard to trade something happy and exciting (like a pregnancy) for something painful and scary (like a surgery). But I survived, and, though it's taken some time, I'm starting to feel like myself again.

I can't be depressed anymore- there are too many things to be thankful for:

1. A God who shows me infinite grace and mercy when I don't deserve it (its like he loves me or something).

2.A husband who loves me enough to help me out of bed in the middle of the night so I can go to the bathroom (I can get out of bed by myself now. Hallelujah!).

3. An adorable daughter who amazes me with her ever expanding vocabulary ("Read! Read! Car! Car! Car! Cow? Cow? Cow? Kitty! Kitty? Kitty!").

4.Friends and family who have brought us meals and sent us cards and offered a helping hand and a listening ear.

5.An excellent pathology report (no cancer here).

6. One ovary that still works.

My only regret is that my scar is located in an area where I can't show random people my battle wounds (except for my husband, my doctor, some nurses, and my mother, no one else has seen it). I guess I shall have to console myself with telling everyone I meet, "Did you know I have only one ovary?"

Don't you think that's a great conversation starter? No? Why not?

The Valley Below

Its been a long two months. We found out I was pregnant near the end of July. We were very excited, since we had only just started trying. About a week after that I had some spotting and so we began to be concerned. During that time my mother-in-law had a heart attack and open heart surgery. We had our hands full so the pregnancy was not as much on our minds.

About a week ago we found out for sure that we had miscarried. Along with that they discovered a dermoid cyst on my left ovary that was about the size of an orange. I had a D and C on Wednesday of last week, but the surgery for the removal of the cyst won't be scheduled till after my follow-up visit with the OB/GYN. Because of the size of the cyst it will be a regular open surgery, not a laparascopy. And they may have to remove my ovary as well.

Its hard not to think of all the possibilities as I wait to have the surgery. I'm not looking forward to the recovery either. I haven't blogged in awhile because I didn't know what to write (not that I have many readers anyway). But those of you who do read can pray for me and my family. Right now thats all we really need.

The Fourth - for Beth

We ate lots of pie with cool whip! We fended off the wandering hordes of bubbles.

We enjoyed a magnificent feast with a marvelous view.

We had our own private fireworks display on the patio. It doesn't get much better than this. Along with the bloodthirsty mosquitos, diving bats, and swarming gnats it was the epitome of a fun summer afternoon. Happy Belated Fourth of July, everyone!

Tea for Two

Its naptime. The house is quiet except for the tap, tap of the keyboard. So far I've done a little of this and a little of that. I ate. Finally. I put away clothes and shoes. I organized the closet in the office a little. I even put on makeup and pulled my hair out of my face.

I did a little reading online and chatted with friends on facebook. Obviously, this list is getting mundane, so I'll tell you the real reason I'm writing this post.

CiCi and I had tea this morning. I sat down at her little table next to the window and we took turns sipping imaginary tea from her teensy purple cups. We made loud slurping noises and while I pretend nibbled on tea cakes, she threw the tray on the floor and stole my cup. It was one of those moments that make the whole day worth it.

We only get a short time with our children. For some its shorter than others. I want to enjoy each tiny moment I have with my daughter. I want to stare at her curls, her rosy cheeks, her toothy smile and remember them always. I want to hold her close and watch her sleep. And though I enjoy the quiet during naptime, I also dread it because it reminds me of what life would be like without her.

Much too quiet.

A Day in the Life...

Of Screamy McWhinerton. I mean CiCi.

Sorry that first part was a slip of the keyboard. Really. We've had a lovely day together. We did a little of this, a little of that. Well, here. Let me show you.


We enjoyed carrying our stuffed toys up and down the hall.
We also enjoyed helping mommy around the house while clinging to her leg.


We only read this book a FEW times today.

Mommy even found a cocoon in the garden and we're going to document its transformation.

Purely for Mommy's enjoyment, because SOMEBODY doesn't give a flip, though the caterpillar on the patio today did incite some interest.

We decided to do a photo shoot. We all SMILED.



We went for a walk.
CiCi was very HAPPY.

DISCLAIMER: Those are NOT my real thighs. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. But I thought it was a neat picture anyway.

The Importance of Being Mama

Its difficult to understand motherhood until you've experienced it. I've only been a mother for a little over a year, but I'm positive that my appreciation for my own mother has grown by leaps and bounds during that short time. I recognize the importance of being mama.

In this day and age success is measured by education and careers. It seems that motherhood in and of itself is not enough to gain the respect or acknowledgement of the outside world. We even look down on those who choose motherhood over career. We consider an education to be a waste of time for those people. Why did they even go to college if all they're going to do is stay home and raise children?

My own mother never went to college. She has a GED in place of a regular high school diploma. The closest thing she ever had to a career was a job as a bank teller. When my brother and I graduated from high school (we were home schooled through all four years) people used to act as though she hadn't had a life until that point. Motherhood was apparently not a significant enough job.

My mom teaches piano now. She's always been a talented pianist, playing for churches and weddings for years. I have no doubt she could have been a concert pianist if she had wanted that. She, in her modest fashion, can't acknowledge her own talent, but she raised two incredibly intelligent kids (brag,brag). I'm sure she could have been anything she wanted.

What she wanted was to be my mother.

It doesn't matter how the world measures her success, or what she does with her life from now on. She chose to give a significant portion of her time, her heart, and her life to someone who was not always grateful or understanding. I know how tiring and stressful it is to stay home day in and day out with a little one. There aren't any "thank yous." Its just plain hard work. But its the most important work any woman can do. I'm following in the footsteps of a special lady. I just hope I can succeed as well as she has.

Thank you, Mom. Thank you for being there. Thank you for all the times I didn't say thank you.

Happy Mother's Day!